I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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