I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty