I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.