well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well