I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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