i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"