I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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