Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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