oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
