her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone