i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
