Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
