Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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