I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks