I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?