I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
