SEEEEXXX PLEASE
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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