Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?