I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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