I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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