Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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