took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
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