my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
