Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
