I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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