why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml