Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
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You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?