I'm fucking your sister right now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.