So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Life is so much better after having sex.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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