I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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