You're my little dorito
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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