Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
soo... how was my night?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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