while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
