Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I wear drunk well.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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