I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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