This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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