I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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