i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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