i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
