I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
