The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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