census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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