Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
