his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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