I looked at my own cervix.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
