you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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