I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
