I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
