Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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