So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
