i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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