i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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