Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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