rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
COCAINE IS GR8
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
