Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
