I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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